Answer Me This (07.19.15)

Thanks to a visit from my in-laws, and a (never fun) night shift, I have "extra" time on my hands, so I decided to play along with Kendra today. I just can't resist a good survey! ;-)

1. What's currently on your To Do list? Chores, mostly. I really need to clean/sort kids' clothes, but since I'm mentally already preparing my list of things they need for fall, I'll probably manage to put it off awhile longer. Yes, it's July. No, will will not need such things for two or three months. Yes, I have problems.

2. Better type of superhero: magic/radioactive powers? Or trauma/gadgets/hard work? This is hard, because if you asked me, I'd normally say I'm a hard work proponent, but I feel like when I think about the superhero stories I like (and I'm SO not much of a superhero girl, with a son who's not there yet), they tend to be more magic/radioactive. I'm calling it a draw.

3. Finding out if baby is a boy or girl before birth: Good idea? Bad idea? I don't think either is bad or good, right or wrong. We found out with both kids, and we loved settling on names and calling the baby he/she/by name during the 2nd half of pregnancy. That said, whenever #3 comes along, we'll possibly (probably?) wait and find out at birth. Partially because we really truly don't care. Partially because I've got one of each and so have all the stuff, so why not?!? Partially (mostly?) because Peter's birth was fast enough to put us on alert for potential crazy fast labor in the future. I feel like the excitement of "finding out" might help ease end of pregnancy anxiety/motivate me through labor.

4. Have you ever appeared on a stadium jumbotron? Several times, actually. A friend in Phoenix's husband (He's my friend, too, just that I'm more friends with his wife.) used to be a camera operator for the Jumbotron at Bank One Ballpark (fine, Chase Field, the Diamondbacks' stadium), so pretty much anytime he knew someone was at the game, up they went. And since I used to go to games with my friend a couple of times a year, I always knew it was a matter of time before we got our awkward wave on.

5. Are you more book smart or street smart? I'm definitely more book smart. I was the girl who always did her homework, studied for tests, did the reading, etc., and then lamented a grade less than an A. Book smarts come easily to me. Street smarts are a lot harder, but I feel like, especially since having kids, I'm getting better and better. Thankfully, I have a fair amount of common sense, so that helps, too.

6. Have you had that baby yet? (Feel free to skip this one if it's not applicable to you.) Well, I've had two babies. Peter is 15 months. Clare is 3. So if you're waaaaaay behind here, yes, I had those babies. But since I'm otherwise not pregnant or recently postpartum, I'll stick with no. 

Visit Kendra to find more answers to questions -- and her response to #6!

Why I Decided to Read "Go Set A Watchman"

Like any number of fellow To Kill a Mockingbird fans, my reaction to the news that a companion piece would be published were as follows:

What?!?

Wow!

Can't wait?

Ummmm . . . things seem sketchy here.*

But I'm going to read it anyway.

I placed the book pre-order in and out of my Amazon cart for months. I got on the waiting/hold list at the library. I hemmed and hawed. 

Then the negative reviews started pouring in, and I grew ever more dubious. Not intending it as a game changer, I brought the brouhaha up to Charles the other night.

"Well, you have to get it."

I tried to articulate my doubts, but I realized that they would not be assuaged by not reading out of popular protest. I was going to read the dang book, and this is why:

1. It would have been published posthumously if it weren't published now. That's how it has gone in publishing for as long as memory serves. In a few years, Harper Lee will pass. The manuscript would have been discovered and published. Yes, the current circumstances are somewhat suspect, but that hardly affects the end result.

2. It is unfair to judge a work of art based on what we want it to be. Most of the criticism of Watchman seems to center on people not liking Atticus' portrayal, but, as much as I love me some noble Atticus Finch, I can't make a work of fiction go my way (unless I'm writing it, I guess), any more than I can make real life go my way. Liking the way things end, the way characters are portrayed or the message the author sends are all well and good, but not liking them does not diminish the rest of the value of the work.

3. If you take Watchman's origin story at face value, it was not written as a sequel to Mockingbird, or even as a companion piece, but as a sort of first draft, or rejected version that got a total rewrite to tell a different, earlier story, which became a Great American Novel. Even if you choose to believe that it was written as a sequel to Mockingbird, though, the mere fact that it was not previously published means that it was not quite ready for prime time. It was not edited, refined, perfected. It was rejected and wholly rewritten. It deserves to be read for what it is, not rejected for what it is not.

Ultimately, I decided that I need to read Go Set a Watchman for myself and judge the book on its own merits, as it deserves. I bought the book this while I was running errands earlier this week. I'm trying to read with no expectations -- easier said than done, of course. It makes sense, considering how carefully I've dissected Mockingbird, but even though I'm in the earliest chapters, I've been pleasantly surprised at how easily I slipped into Lee's comfortable writing. I feel home again. 

We'll just have to see how the rest of the novel plays out. I mean, we all know that sometimes, you just can't go home again.

*For those who aren't following the story, the Wikipedia article details it well. In short, the manuscript was "discovered" by elderly Harper Lee's lawyer and agent, and plans for publication were soon in place. Plenty of people have cried foul given the tenuous state of Lee's health and the sure financial success of the publication of Watchman.

To Clare on Her 3rd Birthday

{I wrote this last Friday, but didn't hit publish quickly enough, so today it is!}

Dear Clare,

Today, you are 3. And oh, are you 3! In the last few weeks, you have definitely become a threenager -- not always listening, opinionated about everything, and fighting with your brother.

But oh, you are such a treat to be around as well. You are so sweet and funny. You make friends everywhere you go, and usually, you lead some kind of running (and possibly squealing) activity. You are getting better at snuggling all the time. My favorite thing to do with you is snuggle up under a blanket and read a book together. Your favorite is to help me bake (and then lick the beater, of course).

Many mornings, we have "coffee" together before Peter wakes up. I have my coffee and you have a cup of milk. I have a feeling that is a tradition that will last us a long time. Quality time is definitely your love language. 

This has been a big year for you -- potty training, sleeping in a big girl bed (no rail!), making friends, growing a thousand inches, and blowing us away with the things you do and say.  

The dancing! Oh, the dancing! You are always dancing and twirling. Tutus, dresses, skirts, and ballet slippers galore! You are a princess. Or a ballerina. Or something. You are always imagining, acting out what you read and what you see on TV. (You love books and cartoons.) You are always in character -- and we are, too. My favorite lines are, "I'm not a Sheriff Callie, I'm a Clare Bear," and "I'm another animal. I'm Princess Sofia." Or Minnie Mouse. Or Angelina. Or Katerina Kitty Cat, meow meow.

Most importantly, you have a huge heart and a real love for people. And a real love for Jesus. You bring us joy everyday. I am so blessed to be your Mama. 

I love you, Sweetie Girl.

Love,

Mommy

Reflections on 4 Years of Marriage

{I started this post on our anniversary, July 9, but things got busy, so it's getting published today.}

Four years ago, Charles and I stood before our family, friends and God and freely promised to be together faithfully, and (God-willing, (and He has been)) fruitfully, for all the days of our lives. We exchanged rings and prayed. Our first act together as man and wife, really, was to kneel at the altar for the Liturgy of the Eucharist at our wedding Mass. God first. After sharing in the Lord's Supper, we celebrated. 

I shared this picture on Facebook with the following caption, "4 years, 2 kids, 1 great adventure, countless blessings! So grateful to be celebrating with Charles Armstrong today. (As an aside, this is one of my very favorite pictures from our wedding, because it exemplifies what we want our marriage to be, man and wife in prayer with Christ as our focus.)"  Left unsaid was my prayer that, in some small way, we were, are, and will be something of an example to our community of people trying our best to live an authentic Christian life in this world of turmoil. 

(by Noyan Photography)

This morning, we woke up in our king-sized bed, a tangle of arms and legs, stuffed animals and blankets, kids and adults. A beautiful tangle of the life we have built in that time. I could think of nothing more perfect.

I mean, I get it, we've only been married four years. We have plenty to learn. 

The weekend before our wedding, we were at a 4th of July BBQ where a woman, married for 30something years, from our then-parish shared this story with me:

She had, the week before, made blueberry pancakes for her husband. As she told the story, it was clear that she was pleased with the gift she had given her husband, and as he was eating, he looked up, appreciative, but mentioned, "You know, off all the berries, blueberries have always been my least favorite." The moral of the story was that there is always more to learn about your spouse.

I reflect on that story frequently. 

On the surface, it's a silly story about blueberry pancakes and learning about your spouse, but it's so much bigger than that to me. I think it's an example of how marriage should be. Serving one another. Accepting one another's love without condition. Learning, molding, growing, changing, honesty, giving, together through thick and thin. Kindness.

And above all else, love. The wife told the story with love; the husband chuckled at it with love. At the end of the day, they love each other, not in a fit of frenzied romance, but in a true desire for the best for one another. 

The Second Reading at our wedding was from Romans. We chose it because of how it reflected Christian love. "Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer" (verses 11-12). (The full reading is Romans 12: 1-2, 9-18).

I only pray that, as the years go on, our marriage continues to be full of growth, of love, and of life.

8 Tips for Surviving Intern Year (As a Doctor's Wife)

As of today, Charles' intern year is over. He worked nights the last three nights, is sleeping it off today, and will start PGY2 (post graduate year 2 -- i.e. the 2nd year after med school graduation) tomorrow. One down; two to go. Woo to the hoo! 

Below are some things that have helped get me through this year. I can only speak to my experience, but I think the principles are pretty universal, regardless of specialty or program. Heck, I think a lot of these are pretty great for any relationship!

1. Focus on the Present

Have you seen The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? In it, there's a bit about surviving for the next 10 seconds. Can you survive for the next 10 seconds? Of course. So you just keep on keeping on, 10 seconds at a time. Sometimes, this year has felt like that. It's not always easy, having two little kids at home, far from family and established friends, with a husband who works more hours than you want to count. It is easy to get discouraged when I think about about doing this for another day/week/year/several years. But now? Today? I can get through today. I've got this. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Living in the present also means enjoying the joys and blessings that you have now, instead of focusing on a misty, magical, hypothetical future when training is over and everything is rosy and perfect. Which may be true, and may not be. But regardless, it robs you of the joy that you can experience now.

2. Manage Expectations

My hardest times and biggest disappointments this year have come when I expected one thing and got another. Some people say to have no expectations of your intern spouse, but I think this sells everyone short. That said, I do a lot better when I expect Charles to work late and he gets off early (or on time) than when I expect him early and he gets in late. For me, knowing his schedule (so I know what "should" happen), communication (see #3), and some established "rules" and routines help everyone navigate the evening, regardless of what happens at "quitting time."

3. Communicate. Then Communicate Some More.

Figure out what works for you: talk, text, emails, phone calls, beers on the deck, Q&A sessions, whatever. Then utilize it. Often. Make sure that you and your spouse are talking about everything. Work. Home. The news. Sports. Movies. Your state of being. Your joys. Your victories. Your worries. Things that just aren't working right now. Things that are. Make/find time to enjoy each other's company, to work out problems, and keep things flowing nicely. Just not all at once -- that would probably be a little much for even my chatterbox tendencies.

4. Blame Residency.

Believe me, no matter how much they love what they are doing, no one wants to stay late on Christmas dealing with a terrible situation with a terrible outcome. (Yes, we know this from personal experience.) Charles certainly does not want to miss time with his family for work or to respond to another page. He doesn't want to hear that pager in the middle of the night. What he does want is to help people, and to do honest work to provide for his family and to make it possible for me to be home with the kids. What he does want  is to be with us. What is does want is the best training possible to be the best doctor he can be. Residency is a cruel mistress, but one we both accept for the good of our family. When your husband is gone, when you miss him, when you are just sick of it. Don't blame him. Blame residency. 

5. Make Time for Yourself.

Make time for yourself in ways big and small. I generally find it pretty easy (often too easy) to put myself last, but I learned the first weekend of motherhood than an unshowered Mama is a really, really cranky Mama (read: terrible Mama). As a result, I have no issues asking Charles to bounce a baby or letting Sofia/Daniel Tiger/Mickey Mouse help out so that I can take a shower every day. There is no shame in my coffee drinking game. I'm getting better at voicing my need for a longer break. It is so important for everyone to get some time out. And make sure that your spouse gets some down time, too. Charles hits the gym a couple of times a week, when he can manage, and I know that he needs that as much or more than I need my breaks.

6. Get Out. Make the Most of It.

Whether you've moved to a new city or are living in the same place you always have, GET OUT!! Yes, I'm shouting at you. Yes, getting the kids into the van is like herding cats. Yes, making friends is hard, but I try to get us out of the house every.single.day. Whether it is the playground, meeting up with friends, story time at the library, an activity like the zoo, or just boring old errands, we leave after breakfast and we come back for/after lunch. It makes the day go faster and smoother. It makes everyone happier, more socialized, and less stir crazy. I'm connected with a great group of fellow residents' wives, and while I don't make evening activities often, the kids and I go to play group and see our "play group friends" at activities during the week, too. I've also gotten to know people at Church and am friendly with the other spouses in Charles' program. Is it exactly like home? No, but we make the most of it anyway.

7. Don't Keep Score (Unless You're Actually Playing a Game).

If you are constantly playing games, it breeds anger and resentment. Who works harder? Who has it worse? Who changes more diapers? Who got the least amount of sleep? Who cares? No one wins those games. Instead, take it all on as a team. You'll both be happier.

And while you're at it, don't keep score with anyone else either. Maybe spouses in other specialities have it worse. Maybe it's worse to be a military wife. Maybe your problems are small potatoes compared to someone else's, but know what? That doesn't diminish your experience, your worries, your fears, or your struggles. You've got your crosses. I've got mine. And those crosses are heavy enough without adding score-keeping them.

8. Keep the Faith.

If you are a person of faith, you need it now more than ever. Giving it to God has never felt so good! This year, the blessings of Catholicism have really made themselves known. I'm so thankful for the variety of devotions available to us. I'm so thankful for the variety of Mass times that have allowed us to worship as a family somewhere, sometime every single weekend since beginning residency. Yes, I've nudged a tired, post-call husband a couple of times during a homily, but how wonderful it is to have him helping me wrangling kids and worshipping at my side?!? By making faith a priority, it keeps us both mindful of our real goals and what led us here (with all of its levels of meaning) in the first place. It also gives us stable footing when things feel rocky. It gives us hope when all seems lost. It gives our struggles meaning. It gives us a rhythm to life. Honestly, I can't imagine how much harder this would have been without faith -- for either of us.

But the biggest thing of all, friends, is to keep a positive attitude. Yes, things may be hard, but you will get through them. And looking back, you might just be living some of the best years of your life.