Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Back to the Future

Does she look like a boy? This outfit sans headband seems to prompt lots of questions. Also, this is totally unrelated to the post. Je suis desolee.

I've really been struggling lately to live in the present. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with having fond memories. I don't think there's anything wrong with planning for or dreaming of the future. But there is a problem when you become so future-oriented (or fixated on the past) that you struggle with the here and now.

Again, don't get me wrong, I keep the kitchen clean (dirty dishes, especially piles of dirty dishes, are my nemesis). My family is fed. The baby has a clean diaper and face and clothes (and totally slobbery fingers, but that's her own doing). I'm not somehow whiling my day away in fits of future-vision.

And when I hold my sweet baby girl, all I want to do is hold her and hug her and squeeze her and snuggle her and make her not grow up ever, ever, never, and stay cute and tiny and adorable and smiley and immobile for ever and ever and always. That is definitely the present. That is good. So good.

Then, Little takes a nap or Charles and I have another conversation about 4th year rotations or my mind wanders off and I find myself itching to hit the fast forward button. To get through the drudgery of talking about the future and just get there already.

Part of it is idol curiosity, I guess. It would be nice to know what comes next. I'm that girl who flips a few pages ahead in her book to see where things are going. I don't want to know the end, but I don't mind a sneak peak now and then.

Part of it is that, as much as I love having my sweet Little be little, I have found so much joy in watching her grow and achieve and change. I know it goes too fast.. It already has, but there is so much pleasure in it at the same time. I don't know how to articulate it, but I can give an example. I am scared to death of her learning to crawl. I mention it all the time. She's going to be the most curious and into everything baby. But I cannot wait for her to do it. I can't wait to share that accomplishment with her, to cheer her on, to see the look on her face when she realizes that the world is out there and she can get there by herself. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. But still, I canNOT wait.

Part of it is that so much energy lately is going into thinking about the future. Planning 4th year rotations and residency applications and Match strategy. Having so little personal control makes me itch for something predictable. I'm all about predictable. (Gosh, I'm so going to fail as a resident's wife. Anxiety.)

I'm trying to focus on today. On the good and beauty and challenge that is before me. I know I can only take it one moment at a time. But lately, man, it's hard.

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